This might be important too...

I hadn't thought about this before today, but while it's fresh on my mind, I should write it down. While I'd not considered it a part of the "process" before, it just occurred to me that there's a large portion of the creative process that actually happens on-stage, and cannot be recreated anywhere else.

I've always been one of those people who is much better at performing with an audience. Some people seem to be able to pull it off anytime, but for me it's much easier with someone watching- the more people, the better. I'm not sure what makes this difference, but it's there, so we go with it.

I'm not sure I'll really be able to explain what happens on-stage, because it's kind of beyond thought. There's no time to actually formulate thoughts, but things happen in performance that don't happen the rest of the time. It's kind of like the "expression" you manage in rehearsal is magnified times 20.

I think it can mostly be attributed to a drastic increase in focus. Even in dress rehearsal there's a feeling that you can fix things if they don't work out, but in the actual performance, it's do or die. Of course, it might not work the same way for someone who is unprepared, but I've yet to give a performance I didn't feel pretty prepared for. Now, while I feel focus is increased in performance, I also think it is adjusted. In rehearsal, it's easy to always think about how things are working vocally, and forget about expression. In fact, in a practice room, it's very easy for me to totally forget expression and only work on vocal issues. In performance, you just have to let it go vocally, because if it doesn't work, it's too late to fix it. This gives you the opportunity to focus on expression instead. It's like when a certain voice teacher has told me a million times to "stop looking like you're thinking about singing." Now that I have enough good habits and feel comfortable with my voice, it's much easier to actually stop thinking about the singing and move on to what I'm doing with the rest of my body. The same voice teacher also likes to remind me that learning all of this takes time. I don't like that part of it, but I know it's true. A few months ago, I couldn't have performed the way I did today, because I just didn't have all the pieces of the puzzle yet. And in a few more performances, I'll be able to say this again.

So, what happens on stage? Focus increases and changes. And there are a lot of little things that go through your mind, but nothing really new. Things like "I shouldn't keep my hand there-(previously mentioned voice teacher) makes fun of me for that." Or, "Keep eyes focused, KEEP EYES FOCUSED!" Or, "Oh crap, last time I talked to that invisible person, tree, etc., I saw him over THERE... too late now." Another voice teacher once told me that every time you perform, it has to be a new creation. You can rehearse things, but when you get onstage, for it to be real and natural, you have to let it be creative all over again. I think this is part of what I'm finally figuring out.

With this latest performance, I noticed things happening over time as well, at times when I was doing things that have absolutely nothing to do with singing. For example, in the shower this morning, which is where I do lots of my thinking, I was visualizing the scenes for this afternoon and thinking of funny little things I could add, like throwing the locket over my shoulder, or facial expressions that would be funny here and there. So, there are parts of the creative process that happen even when I don't intend for them to. I've found that much of singing, and learning to sing, is subconcious. There have been lots of times when I've had vocal problems that I just couldn't figure out, and then suddenly they'll be fixed, and when I look back on it, it turns out I've been thinking a lot more about it than I realized. That being said, the subconcious is still no replacement for a practice room.

I'm really hoping to see a recording of today's performance. The things I did expressively felt much more natural than they have in the past, so I'm anxious to see if they LOOKED more natural too. There are lots of things I think back on and think, "I really should have done that better," but it's too late to take it back, and I did the best I could at the time.

All of this being said, I still have lots of work to do with expression. I've yet to figure out all the little things, like what actions convey what, such as openness, shyness, etc. That's what Dr. Lile and I need to work on some, I think. That, and I just need to do lots of things in front of the mirror.

So, I hadn't thought about any of this before, but after today, I got to thinking about the way performance fits into the process, and determined that it's quite important too. I'm also nerdy enough to think it'd be very interesting to compare brain scans from rehearsals, performances, etc... but I don't expect that to happen...